Category: Conscious Sexuality

The Joy of Giving: The Art of Receiving

Time and time again, one of the phrases I hear from my gentleman callers is how much they enjoy giving pleasure to a woman. And yet how few women willingly receive this touch and intimacy.*

What many people do not realise, is that the act of receiving is an art to be cultivated. It takes awareness, and a willingness to practise and deepen in the experience. Let me explain…

When one is in the giving role, there is a sense of action and “doing”. There is a road map, if you will, for this experience. We can assess how well – or not – the giving is going.

When one is in the receiving role, there is no road map for this experience, no way of knowing “how to do it”. It is a pure experience of being.

It is no wonder then that so many people struggle to receive, as it involves a “non-doing”. Our whole culture is geared towards doing so moving into a space of “non-doing” is initially like going against the tide. We have to drop all ideas of how the experience should look or should feel, and surrender to the mystery of existence.

Many people are scared to let go of control. If their body has been trespassed upon previously, then all the more reason not to trust in the experience offered. This is where compassionate communication, a strong sense of self, and a genuine knowledge about what feels good for your body, is essential.

Sadly, so many people- especially women – have not had the space to develop these qualities.

Imagine being with a woman who knows what she wants and who can guide you in giving her pleasure. Feeling her responsiveness ripple under your hands. Hearing her sounds of delight steer your actions. Knowing with unerring certainty that your touch is desired and fully enjoyed. Imagine how it would be when your giving was completely received by a woman…

*There are many reasons why a woman might not be open to your offering. If you are truly interested in discovering more about female arousal, I highly recommend reading “Come as You Are” by Emily Nagoski. A book with which all women – and those who love them – should become acquainted.

Everything changes…

Darling men,
Today is a sad day and a joyous day all mixed up together.

If you haven’t heard already, I am changing the way I do sex work and am no longer offering ‘full service’. I am still available for sessions with kissing, cuddling, caressing, connection, intimacy, mutual pleasure, erotic massage, sensual play, oral sex and orgasms. However, these will no longer involve full penetrative sex.

‘Why?’ I hear you cry!

Well, to cut a long story short I am in a relationship and deeply in love. My beloved also works within the field of conscious sexuality so he has been more understanding than most about my vocation.

In Tantric terms there is a powerful energetic connection set up when a man enters a woman’s body (and it is said that this energetic imprint takes seven years to leave a woman’s body!). My beloved and I want to deepen in our tantric union and this means that I can no longer have penetrative sex with another man.

So with sadness I change my profile details but with joy I know I can enter into a deeper, more committed, loving relationship. Thank you to all the men with whom I have enjoyed such beautiful moments of physical intimacy.

Here’s an interesting thing though… originally I was very resistant to the idea of giving up sex with other men and was deeply worried that it would affect my work. Then I took some time to look at the experiences I had been having and the men I most enjoyed connecting with. And lo and behold, the people and moments that stand out to me, don’t involve penetration!

Increasingly men have been contacting me looking to explore some hitherto unexpressed part of their sexuality. This might be playing with the power dynamics of dominance and submission. Or discovering their orgasmic potential through sensual massage. Or deepening in intimacy through tantric ritual. Whatever the experience, it’s been the journey that we have taken together that has been the priority rather than specific acts.

Let’s face it, many people have already had ‘sex’, or even have a sexual partner currently, but there’s something that they can’t get in their current situation. That’s why they come to me!

It’s an honour to be with someone as they explore and expand into their erotic self. It’s fun, beautiful, playful, exciting, deep, loving, sexy, delicious, intimate, hot, mindblowing and bodyblowing to play on the full spectrum of sexuality rather than just keep doing the same thing that we’ve always been doing.

Sex is way more than just the physical act of a man being inside a woman. Are you ready to embark on an erotic escapade or ecstatic encounter with me?

What’s all this about Tantric Massage?

The phrase “tantric massage” has become synonymous with a massage with a “happy ending”. Sadly this misses the depth of potential available in this wonderful art form of touch.

As anyone who has studied Tantra will know, there is no such thing as tantric massage per se. Tantra is not about massage or even sexuality specifically. Rather it’s a philosophy of authentic living and set of spiritual practices which embrace all experience and encourage us ever more to a direct awareness of the present moment.

So why is it that Tantra has become so closely connected to sensual or erotic massage?

One of the most vibrant ways to connect with present moment experience is through the body. Usually we are going around stuck in our heads with our mind continuously worrying about what happened in the past or anxious about what’s going to happen in the future. When we move fully into the body, these concerns often drop away. You will know this if you’ve done some kind of physical activity, such as running or playing squash. Or perhaps even yoga or swimming. You know that blissful feeling you get afterwards when you are profoundly relaxed and you feel at peace with the world? This is you experiencing yourself in the present moment. No worries of the past or future, simple resting in the “here and now”.

Massage can be a profound way to experience this state of bliss. Particularly for a man where it gives him an opportunity to experience his body and sexuality in a new way. Under usual circumstances, put him in a room with a woman and he usually feels that he has to “do something”. Men are given lots of messages about taking the lead, being in the initiator in sexual encounters, or maybe also carrying some stigma around being a predator. How relaxing can it be to let all that go and just surrender to the touch of a goddess? A skilled tantric practitioner can take you to a place you may never have been before – a return to yourself.

There is another reason that Tantra has become connected with erotic massage – and that’s to do with embracing all of ourselves.

Many people in our society have a dissatisfaction or even disgust around their bodies and their genitals in particular. Also many people carry a sense of shame around their sexuality or a disconnect from their true sexual nature (if you need fantasy or a particular image or a single way of doing things in order to feel aroused, this could be true for you).

One of the great gifts of Tantra is that is it welcomes every single part of ourselves. Whereas conventional massage ignores the nether regions (covering it up with towels which subtly reinforces the idea that our sexuality must be kept under wraps!), a more tantric approach is to holistically include every part of ourself – and that means the genitals too. No part of the body is ignored or disowned; all is celebrated. The nakedness in a tantra-oriented massage arises from a desire for acceptance, rather than a desire for arousal. There is an innocence and vulnerability in it.

Unlike most religions or spiritual practices, Tantra accepts sexuality as an integral part of being human. Many of us in the Western world grow up with the idea that sex is a sin. Or something dirty or to be hidden from others. Tantra has the opposite view and celebrates our sexuality as a potential gateway to divinity. This is particularly true when we connect to our orgasmic potential.

So, let’s talk about the non-ejaculatory full-body orgasm. Firstly, neither ejaculating or not ejaculating are ‘tantric’. Having an awareness over the different possibilities and the capacity to choose consciously with your mind, body and heart are.

Most of us have a strong connection between climax (ejaculation/coming) and orgasm. However, the two experiences are actually different. Climax is experienced primarily in the genitals and is usually concluded with a drop in energy. For many men sexual play is over the moment you come. So there can a really enjoyable phase of building the sexual energy and then suddenly – pop – it’s all gone! Orgasm can be felt in the whole body, is not limited to genital touch, and can be a continuous experience that energises and charges us up.

The main reason for opting for non-ejaculation is the conservation of energy. Imagine instead of releasing your sexual energy, you harness it. Men can also become multi-orgasmic, experiencing wave after wave of pleasure and bliss without becoming depleted. One of the key proponents of men’s multi-orgasmic potential is Taoist teacher Mantak Chia (yes celebrating sexual energy is not just a tantric thing!) and he believes that the energy you conserve in this way can be integrated so that you can juice up your entire life!

Moving towards non-ejaculatory full-body bliss is, for many men, a practice. Some men are more naturally adept at it and for others it takes time to re-programme the mind/body to a new kind of sexual experience. The question is simply whether you feel ready and willing to explore this less-well trodden path to pleasure and vital wellbeing.

So there are three key reasons why Tantra has become associated with erotic massage – a focus on the body as a gateway to ecstasy, an acceptance and appreciation of our sexual nature, and specific practices for harnessing orgasmic energy and opening to blissful pleasure. However, the point still needs to be made that erotic massage is not necessarily ‘Tantric’.

In the end it’s better to accept the fact that Tantric Massage has come to mean something different from actual Tantra. Most service providers are simply following what they see working in the world and may not even know what Tantra actually is. If a client will pay for it, then it’s seen as successful.

For clients seeking a genuine Tantric experience – rather than a sensual massage with a handjob – it’s vital to do your research and suss out what right for you. It’s like anything else in life! If you want to buy a new car you work out what you want and what’s best for you and your budget. You look around at different dealerships, you talk to friends, you test drive a few and finally you decide on the one that’s right for you.

Conscious Sexuality – So What?

Recently I attended a Festival of Tantra and Conscious Sexuality – 5 days dedicated to exploring our sensual and sexual selves.

One of the questions that kept popping up was “What is meant when we say ‘Conscious Sexuality’?”

And one of the answers that kept filtering through is that it’s not so much about what you do, but how you do it.

So it’s not about the number of times, orgasms, or different positions but rather the quality of awareness and integration we bring to our sexual experiences.

Consider this… You can devour a meal simply to fill the hunger in your belly, or you can savour every mouthful turning it into a memorable gourmet experience. You can have a song playing in the background of your life, or you can close your eyes and listen to the music so intently it breaks you open and unleashes your emotions. You can see a sunset or you can allow the beauty of nature to permeate your every pore with the sublime magnificence of the world.

You can experience sex as a necessity of the body, or as a portal to different dimensions of oneself and another. When you approach love-making with awareness, it becomes a profoundly life-enhancing experience. Conscious sex shakes and stirs, transports and transforms, lifts us up and leaves us breathless, and ultimately delivers us at the doorway to the Divine making us one with all that is.

So the question is… how do you like yours?

Love, Sex and Intimacy

Yesterday I attended the Love, Sex and Intimacy Fair in Brighton. The first event of its kind in the area, it was a delightful smorgasbord of all things sexuality related. From workshops and talks, to stalls with everything from flavoured lube to kinky clothing to herbal tonics, there was something for everyone to enjoy. My personal highlights were the silent speed dating (body language only – lots of flirty fun!) and the evening burlesque show.

The intention of the organisers was to create a space for people to explore “the world of intimate relationships and allow a safe, non-judgemental space to look at what love, sex and intimacy mean to you”.

So that got me thinking… what do love, sex and intimacy mean to me?

The easiest and obvious place to start is with sex! But my definition of sex may surprise you. I don’t simply equate sex with the act of penetration. Rather I like to view sex as the whole spectrum of sexual experience – physical, mental, emotional and even spiritual.

Consider this… what is the sexiest part of the body? For sure it’s the mind! What turns one person on (or off!) is completely individual and unique. What we find sexy, what arouses us, and how we express that with another human being happens a lot in our heads and our hearts. Not just in our genitals.

Having an expanded view of sex allows us to move away from feeling like it has to be done a particular (the right?) way and opens us up to a world of possibilities. We move from performance to playfulness – and that’s a lot more fun!

So what about intimacy? In the most basic sense, intimacy can be thought of closeness between human beings. Often intimacy is equated with physical contact, touch and caress. Being “intimate with” someone is even a euphemism for sex.

I would like to offer another perspective on intimacy. You can share a sexual encounter with someone yet never really have connected with them on a deeper level. Intimacy comes not from rubbing our bodies together but from the courage to open our hearts. True intimacy implies a kind of vulnerability. I show myself to you, and you show yourself to me. When we each do this, it creates a powerful and beautiful connection between us.

As Thomas Moore says, “The intimacy in sex is never only physical. In a sexual relationship we may discover who we are in ways otherwise unavailable to us, and at the same time we allow our partner to see and know that individual. As we unveil our bodies, we also disclose our persons.”

Lastly, Love. How can one possibly define this word for which people have lived and died, and so many songs, poems and plays have been written? Let me try…

Love, for me, is an energy that flows when my heart is open. Love is not attraction, lust or romantic feelings, but a state of being where I am intimately connected to everything. When my heart is open, love pours through me like sunshine.

I feel deeply inspired by David Deida when he says, “Love is continuity with infinite life-force, a oneness of being with no separation. Opening sexually is opening to this flow of life-force. And love is the key to this opening.”

As I read back through my words, I can see a common thread running through them. Although love, sex and intimacy each mean something different to me, all involve bringing in one’s head and heart. What does this mean for me as a sex worker? When our heart and head are involved in sex, as well as our body, we can share love and intimacy too.

Pleasure Portals

When my good friend, professional dominant London Faerie invited me to his ‘Pleasure Portals’ workshop and play party on Sunday, I just couldn’t resist.

London Faerie is a pioneer of ecstatic BSDM. Supporting people to “expand their bliss” and erotic experience through kinky practices and conscious play. He runs regular events where people new to the kink scene can find out about BDSM in a friendly and fun atmosphere.

Over 30 people gathered in the afternoon to learn about dominance and submission, sensation play (using floggers, paddles etc) and discovering how to express their deepest desires.

As we moved into the evening, we changed into our party clothes (me in a sexy basque, frilly knickers, stockings and ludicrously high heels!) and got ready to get wild.

All day I had my eye on a very hunky guy who wanted to explore being a dominant. But he was completely new to the role and didn’t know where to start.

Now I love being taken over by a strong man – but I was interested in exploring the dominant role too. The guy – who I will call Jason – was at least a foot taller than me and very well built. The thought of  ‘taking him down’ and having him as my slave excited me.

So I suggested to Jason that we play together. First I would dominate him – so that he could understand how it feels. Then he could dominate me and I would be his perfect submissive.

He said yes without a moment’s hesitation.

Leading him to a corner of the room I got him to strip naked, get down on his knees before me and submit to my will. This giant of a man became putty in my hands and fulfilled my every wish – including a very delicious session of foot worship which he carried out with deep devotion and lavish attention to my tootsies.

Then it was time for the change over…. And he really got his own back on me!

Jason gave my bottom one of the severest spankings I’ve ever had. All the while pulling my hair (love it!) and telling me what a sexy bitch I am (super love it!)

He made sure he got his pleasure too and made good use of my willing hands and hungry mouth on his yummy cock.

The party finished all too soon but we had both experienced a sexual dynamic outside of our usual preferences. And we both loved it!

At the end we left and went our own separate ways. No attachment, no need for it to be anything more than the fun it was.

But I think there will be a next time…