Category: Love

Love, Sex and Intimacy

Yesterday I attended the Love, Sex and Intimacy Fair in Brighton. The first event of its kind in the area, it was a delightful smorgasbord of all things sexuality related. From workshops and talks, to stalls with everything from flavoured lube to kinky clothing to herbal tonics, there was something for everyone to enjoy. My personal highlights were the silent speed dating (body language only – lots of flirty fun!) and the evening burlesque show.

The intention of the organisers was to create a space for people to explore “the world of intimate relationships and allow a safe, non-judgemental space to look at what love, sex and intimacy mean to you”.

So that got me thinking… what do love, sex and intimacy mean to me?

The easiest and obvious place to start is with sex! But my definition of sex may surprise you. I don’t simply equate sex with the act of penetration. Rather I like to view sex as the whole spectrum of sexual experience – physical, mental, emotional and even spiritual.

Consider this… what is the sexiest part of the body? For sure it’s the mind! What turns one person on (or off!) is completely individual and unique. What we find sexy, what arouses us, and how we express that with another human being happens a lot in our heads and our hearts. Not just in our genitals.

Having an expanded view of sex allows us to move away from feeling like it has to be done a particular (the right?) way and opens us up to a world of possibilities. We move from performance to playfulness – and that’s a lot more fun!

So what about intimacy? In the most basic sense, intimacy can be thought of closeness between human beings. Often intimacy is equated with physical contact, touch and caress. Being “intimate with” someone is even a euphemism for sex.

I would like to offer another perspective on intimacy. You can share a sexual encounter with someone yet never really have connected with them on a deeper level. Intimacy comes not from rubbing our bodies together but from the courage to open our hearts. True intimacy implies a kind of vulnerability. I show myself to you, and you show yourself to me. When we each do this, it creates a powerful and beautiful connection between us.

As Thomas Moore says, “The intimacy in sex is never only physical. In a sexual relationship we may discover who we are in ways otherwise unavailable to us, and at the same time we allow our partner to see and know that individual. As we unveil our bodies, we also disclose our persons.”

Lastly, Love. How can one possibly define this word for which people have lived and died, and so many songs, poems and plays have been written? Let me try…

Love, for me, is an energy that flows when my heart is open. Love is not attraction, lust or romantic feelings, but a state of being where I am intimately connected to everything. When my heart is open, love pours through me like sunshine.

I feel deeply inspired by David Deida when he says, “Love is continuity with infinite life-force, a oneness of being with no separation. Opening sexually is opening to this flow of life-force. And love is the key to this opening.”

As I read back through my words, I can see a common thread running through them. Although love, sex and intimacy each mean something different to me, all involve bringing in one’s head and heart. What does this mean for me as a sex worker? When our heart and head are involved in sex, as well as our body, we can share love and intimacy too.

Loving without Limits

As he walks through the door he’s already pulling me close to his body. Our lips meet in a deep, passionate kiss.

We come up for air and smile at one another. Hand in hand we slowly make our way to the bedroom. Not a word uttered.

As we fall to the bed, our bodies intertwine. I look into his eyes and he gazes deeply back at me. Time stands still. As I see the beauty of this man lying under me, a bolt of pure love flies out from my heart. It strikes his heart and he returns it with equal force. Love flows between us like an electric current

In unison we release a deep sigh of satisfaction. An explosion of laughter erupts at the sheer joy of our deep connectedness. With sighs and moans and kisses and bites, our bodies seek one another out….

I love playing this moment over in my mind. It happened, not with a lover, but with a client. A beautiful, wonderful man who I had never laid eyes on before. Who paid me for sex.

Whoring could be a simple transactional affair. He comes, he pays. He cums, he goes. Yet I have never found it so.

In fact I have often found more passion, more depth, more beauty and yes even more love, in liaisons with clients than with other lovers.

In fact, it seems to me that the very limitations and boundaries that are placed on our encounters, allows us to love without limits.

Take a conventional romance. You meet, there’s an attraction. You go out on a date, maybe a few. You go to bed together for the first time. One of you takes a risk and says “I love you” for the first time. You decide that you are in a relationship…

Some of these or all these may happen. Perhaps in a different order. Maybe quickly, maybe slowly.

This kind of love is often conditional. We expect someone to fulfil our needs or follow certain ‘rules’ in order to prove their love for us. “If you loved me, you would…”

At the beginning of a typical relationship there are often many unstated expectations, needs and desires. And an unknown timespan for these to be expressed and explored. How soon is too soon to reveal who I really am or what I really want?

Sometimes they never get expressed at all for fear of scaring the other person off. In fact the thought that “this will end” can be an unspoken fear that means that you never quite show all the love you have inside you.

By contrast, the relationship between a whore and her client is clear from the outset. We each know the expectations, needs and desires and are willing in that moment to meet them. We each know how long we will spend together. There is nothing to be lost and everything to be gained from revealing ourselves fully as we possibly can.

Knowing that the ‘relationship’ does not exist outside the moment of meeting, means that there are no expectations. You can express the love inside you without fearing that I will make meaning of it. I don’t need you to call me three times a day or want to marry you within in a year.

The conditions of our meeting mean we can love unconditionally. We are free to give our all.

And so deeply into love we go…

Because it is our true nature. Underneath all our ideas of who we are and what we do, is the essence of our being. The deep desire to connect with another. To be seen fully as who we are and to see the other.

Those moments when you and I look deeply into one another’s eyes and know that we have nothing to lose, are the moments when we are free to express pure love. Love without conditions, loving without limits.